Tuesday, 12 August 2014

My journey

I woke up today to the sad news that Robin Williams had passed away yesterday. Like millions around the world, I didn’t know him but I feel like I did and I just know that he was a good person.
It’s been alleged that he committed suicide due to his long battle with depression and depression is something that I can relate to- please excuse my poor punctuation, spelling,grammar etc.

I write this with tears streaming down my face. Not so long ago I was almost at that place and I never thought in a million years that I would ever get depressed like that and understand why people kill themselves but now I do. Various things have happened to me in my life and perhaps I didn’t deal as well with them as I should have and maybe this triggered something in my brain as an adult. No one really know what causes depression. I’ve always had tendencies to feel it in my adult life along with anxiety but have always known how to stop it before it gets too bad. Usually by exercising, meditating, changing my diet and allowing myself to be alone for head space. After the birth of my son, I hit rock bottom. I didn’t know why as I was so incredibly happy to have him. I loved him desparately, bonded with him but I felt incredibly vulnerable and sad- sad to the core and for the first time in my life I could understand how depression can lead to people contemplating suicide.

I have everything. A wonderful, loving family, who gave me the best childhood, an amazing husband who supports me and loves me, the most wonderful, beautiful, happiest little boy, amazing friends and a career that I love and enjoy and dreamed of doing. I literally have everything that matters. I’m very lucky so I couldn’t understand why I had this utter sadness, feeling of complete hopelessness and feeling in a constant state of torment.

I have been seeing a therapist for many years and she has taught me how to control it but like I said it had never been bad enough to affect my life until the birth of my son. I ignored it as I thought it was just the baby blues but it got worse and worse to the point where I thought I can’t live like this but I don’t know whats wrong with me. I couldn’t tell anyone as I feared they would think I was a bad mum and a pathetic human being so I tried to hide it. I also didn’t think I needed to go to my therapist as she would think I was pathetic and incapable of coping with daily life too. My family and husband noticed there was something very wrong and urged me to get help. Thank goodness I listened too them and went back to my therapist.

I’m now virtually 100% better. I see a Human Givens therapist and she has changed my life but you can also speak to the samaritans or even your local GP. Just talking to someone made my head a lot clearer. I saw my therapist yesterday and she is very happy with my progress. I feel like I’ve been on a incredibly tough journey and come out a different and better person at the end.

If you are reading this post and find it hard to understand depression. Please know this, we can not snap out of it. If it was that easy don’t you think we would love to do it to feel better? We are not having a bad day and tomorrow will be better. Another thing I hear is"You have it all what have you got to be depressed about"...........it doesn’t work like that. All I know is it happens, It was an incredibly difficult time. I would not wish it on anyone and people need to stop treating it as a taboo subject.

I know this is my creative blog used for my creative business but I felt that I have a connection to the outside world, why not share how I feel? Social media can have its faults but it can also have incredible power in a positive way and thats why I felt I had to share this with everyone today and hope it can make a positive difference to someone/anyone reading this. This wasn’t a easy post for me to write. I am a very private person and this blog post will come as a shock to some of my friends. Everyone see’s me as a happy, positive person. which I am 90% of the time but even people that can seem very happy on the outside can be suffering terribly on the inside sometimes. What Robin Williams must have been feeling to take his own life-if thats turns out to be the case, must have been utter despair and my heart truly breaks for him and his family. I hope in the sadness of his death something positive can come out of it in people suffering with depression find the courage to get help and if you think someone you know is suffering with depression, talk to them, be there for them.

The main reason I wanted to write this blog post today is to urge any of you out there that feel life is to much to please talk to someone. Once I was better and felt able to talk about how I had been feeling It’s amazing to hear how many people suffer with the same thing. You are not alone. You matter. You need to be here. If you are suffering from depression you have nothing to be ashamed of. Millions of people feel the same. Depression needs addressing. It can ruin lives. Life is a beautiful thing. You only get one shot at it so lets try to live it and live it well.  R.I.P Robin Williams, may you be at peace.


  1. I mentor artists and makers and I often try and include a discussion for new start ups on the pressures being self employed can have on your mental health. Depression in particular seems to affect a lot of creative people. It is very difficult to open up dialogue about mental health so good on you for using your blog as a platform for this. It's time we were all a bit more open and honest about things like this.
    I'm glad you have found your way out of this difficult time with the support of family, friends and professionals. Keep going! x

  2. Thank you. I think having your own business and the pressures that come with it can have a huge affect on your mental health. In my case I think becoming a new mum on top of that pressure of being self employed and various things that happened in my past along with other factors may have also contributed. The main thing is that people are open and honest about it and need to know that you can get better and don’t have to feel alone. x